So I am heading to the surgeon tomorrow to get my results from last week’s surgery. I had my lump removed from my chest and sent off for biopsy, sentinel node biopsy and removal of a lump from my groin (not cancer related). I am feeling reasonably calm and have obviously dealt with the fact that I cannot change the outcome of what my results will be! Although I am hoping, wishing and praying for it to be good news, my body feeling is niggling at me and I am really not sure that those hopes and wishes will be coming true! Sounds silly I know! Miss positivity right here!
All my life I can only think of a few times when the thought of death has not scared me. Those times are when I have watched loved ones pass in front of me, and anyone who has witnessed this would most likely agree that when you watch and feel those last breaths something happens inside that makes you calm and ok with what is happening (even though mentally it’s really not). It is a very hard concept to grasp, especially if you haven’t dealt with it firsthand. For a few weeks after that experience you can spend life thinking about death and thinking it’s almost peaceful and I am now not scared to have to face that in my life. Let’s face it everyone is going to have to go down that path eventually just some sooner than others.
Watching my beautiful brother pass was truly the most horrible experience in my life, the devastation and the thoughts afterwards of him not being there to share life with, something that one will never get over, yet you eventually learn to live without. Memories will never fade and the heart constantly misses them however at some point you realise you have to live the life that you have and be happy with the fact that you will get to see them eventually just not in this life time. Then months pass and that overwhelming feeling returns. The anxiety, when you realise that eventually that is the path you have to take, that overwhelming feeling of nausea to the pit of your stomach, I guess it’s the real feeling of fear. I believe that fear has been the biggest factor in me being positive and being so aware of my health as my plan has always been to never let that fear win!
Where am I going with all this you ask?….. What does that have to do with me feeling ok about tomorrow’s results?… Well when I was first diagnosed with Breast Cancer, when all of the negative thoughts overpowered the positive….. I would constantly get that anxiety and overwhelming nausea feeling when thinking that perhaps my time may have to be up. It has been in this last week whilst recovering from surgery that I realised two things.
- When I thought about not being here for my family or the fact that I may have to stare right in deaths face I was surprisingly ok and that feeling of what I call fear was nowhere to be seen. Instead, a rational thought of what I needed to do and prepare for when the inevitable was to come. I’ve even made jokes with my husband about finding a new wife now so that I could approve of her. He thought it was a joke but truth be told I’m not sure I was really joking!
- I have always told anyone that gets to know me but especially re-reiterated to my husband that CF will not beat me. I couldn’t mentally allow it to! Hence why I have spent my life being completely positive and completely loving life, for some reason I knew CF would not be the death of me! I had even said to my husband (because I felt so strongly about this) “If I get to the point where the Dr’s have said there is nothing else that can be done for me and I am in the process of dying, because of my CF, take me away from the hospital, throw me in front of a bus or drown me in the ocean just so that my death certificate would not say CF!!” He wasn’t really keen on that idea!! But that was me emphasising that I couldn’t allow CF that has been my life to also be my death. So my thinking is maybe CF will not be the cause perhaps Breast Cancer is stepping up to the plate just so that hubby won’t need to take any drastic action!
To some reading this you will be completely shocked! This is really putting my thoughts out for everyone to see and in a massive way! But that was also what this blog was about. When faced with any diagnosis that is life threatening majority of these feelings will have entered your train of thoughts at some stage. My train is just out there for everyone else to journey on and maybe gain a little light into how one might feel. Or maybe you’re reading this and thinking this is totally me and I am so glad I’m not the only one feeling this way!
So I await the decision tomorrow and still have high hopes that all this is written and my thoughts at present are so far left field. My Hopes and Wishes will be granted and I will still need to find a good bus stop or perhaps a nice beach lol! oxoxoxoxox